Music, Writing

the good thing about not posting any blogs in the past year or so is that nobody reads this shit anymore, so i now truly have a private space to rant incoherently if i want to. Whoo!

i don't want to bother people with my incessant feels, because i know i keep talking about it. It's just... but this story man, it destroys my soul.

i'm in the middle of editing the last few chapters of the story together with my editor and the feels in this story are just so fucking huge. there are tiny moments where i am sitting in the car and suddenly i'm thinking things like 'oh my god, Romain orchestrated the destruction of delgado after all - it was his mail that gave the plans of the Lentagon to Jediah. Joy may have stopped him when he wanted to take the Lentagon and destroy Delgado with his own hands as retribution for what happened to his own birth city... but it's fucking Romain who has the last laugh' and i'm sitting there, driving, and there are just these FEELS that are destroying me, my throat tightening, and i just want to cry - for Romain, but also for Joy who has worked SO FUCKING HARD to not let her visions happen, and in some roundabout way they still fucking happened - she sacrificed so much, but you can't fuck with the future man. it's just... ugh.

and then there's this fucking song, man.

'we can do much better, than you are'
it's basically the end credits to book 3 and it kills me. just fuck me up, arcane roots.
like a punch in the gut. ughhhhh.

Health, Reflection, Writing

There were three major things going on in 2015:

1) The publishing of "Bloed", which had a severe hiccup because publisher J so tragically died last spring
2) The writing of "Talent", which had a severe hiccup because publisher J so tragically died last spring and i hit a huge wall in the writes department because of that and because i didn't have a good idea of how to actually get from A to B in my plot.
3) Weightloss. Following a red carpet picture in February and the fact that Brenda and Olli were already doing so well with losing weight, i decided to follow suit.

I was supposed to update on all of them but somewhere in the summer I just... declined to update anymore. I don't know why either. Probably because most of my need to communicate about writing already happens on my author's blog and the rest of it happens in chat, or on FB, or just... not at all anymore. I don't really blog anymore. We've seen the declining trend for the past few years and it's really not getting any better.

But let me update you on these three things at least:
1) "Bloed" got delivered to my work at the 24th of July. I could sell it to people on the 31st of July, at Castlefest. It was pretty goddamn amazing, even though I couldn't be there for the whole weekend because Derek's wedding was on Saturday and Sunday I got hit by a perfect shitstorm of sunstroke and a wasp sting (for which I am allergic. not enough to go into shock, but enough to feel like absolute SHITE about. i had been clever enough to take some antihistamine pills beforehand but it was not enough). For the rest though... it was such a sunladen beautiful triumph and I already fucking love Castlefest, so all was wonderful in that regard. The responses to "Bloed" are also amazing - I'm at 4.65 stars at Goodreads and that's not from just friends. It's everything I hoped for šŸ˜€

2) I finished writing "Talent" on 23 November. 122,000 words and three months of my life went into that project, dude. It was pretty insane. It still needs work, of course. My alpha proof readers are currently reading through the thing and sending me suggestions, so next month I can get cracking. The idea is that I use January and February to tweak on the manuscript and then I'll ask a second batch of proofreaders (the beta proofreaders) to take a look at it. And with those comments, hopefully the damn thing is done by March/April and ready for works with Cocky. It's a tight deadline but I'm pretty confident we'll make it. As it turns out, "Talent" needs work but it's far from a turd like "Bloed" was in the first version, when it was still called "Shards". So good times are had by all. :')

3) I'll let the numbers speak for themselves and just be really, really smug about this. It's 12kg of weightloss in a steady as she goes pace. 1.5kg per month, and I don't really have to do much for it, just not shove everything in my mouth that I can find. I'm also walking more with Bodhi, at least an hour per day. That's also helping. Trying to at least hit the 6000 steps a day on my google fit app. It was quite the revelation that walking really burns those calories as well, and that opens the door for being a little more lenient with regards to eating. Bodhi also doesn't mind a longer walk and it's great for plotting, so yay!
It's been hard to give myself some credit in this regard, because both Brenda and Olli lost a lot more weight than I did. Olli because he's a boy and he's also fitnessing and maybe just better at this than I am, and Brenda because she's been a lot more strict. So no, I haven't lost 20kg like they did. It's been 'only' 12kg. And that's stupid, right? I SHOULD congratulate the shit out of myself on this one, because 12kg is amazing. It's just because it's been so gradual, that people don't really notice? My mother's been the only one to really notice and comment on it (as she does, weight is a huge deal for her), but of course I hadn't seen her since June. But yeah, 12kg. This morning I hit the 93.2 and I am really proud of this.


Next year I'm going to shoot for 85. It's still a ways off, but it doesn't seem as impossible anymore as it was. And wow, I never thought I'd get to that point. When I started, 85 was 20kg away. Now it's only 8. I can do this. There are more impossible things to aim for šŸ™‚
Health, Journal, Writing

a couple of days ago i was walking bodhi and forcing myself to muse on my third crystal book. i was stuck with my plot (i was in a ???? stage of the plot and that just renders me completely immobile sometimes) for a couple of weeks and i hated it. so i had my playlist on, and i was thinking about dates, and suddenly i realised that in this book we'd reach the tenth anniversary of the tragedy that basically kickstarted all that's gone wrong in the world. and i IMMEDIATELY realised that yes, this is it, i need to so something with this. and a little brainstorming with brenda later, i now have sketches and ideas on how to go forward... as well as a wordcount that proudly stands at 25,345. i've written over 5K this weekend, i'm so stoked! šŸ˜€ and i've got a couple of good scenes coming up, so i'll be writing more this week šŸ™‚ then there's the weightloss. this morning i touched on my lowest weight yet: 99.0. i had hoped to dive into the 98 territory, but unfortunately not yet. still, it means that i've lost 6kg in three-and-a-half months. it also means that i now fit back in all my cute skirts again, as well as that wine-red summer dress i like so much that i haven't been able to wear for two years. whoop! i've cleared out my closet and tossed out two garbage bags worth of clothes. some i just never wore anymore, some were shapeless or faded, others really didn't fit anymore and never would. but i got the cute skirts again, and my capri's as well. which is good, because apparently the weather's going to improve IMMENSELY in the next week. you wouldn't say so, when you look outside, but hey. šŸ™‚
Health, Journal, Writing

so yesterday was the event that i was scheduled to present book #2 on. it was really weird. being there last year was such a triumph, sunladen and glorious and even though i was high on antibiotics and painkillers, it was such a great experience. and this year.... was just weird. it was still a good time, despite the shitty weather, because my colleagues are such sweethearts and D especially was such a darling (seriously i owe her as much as my publisher himself, and she probably doesn't even realise this. i named a city after her in my book to thank her, but i don't think i can ever properly convey what her partner and she did for me, in the way of getting confident about my writing). so being together was good. publisher's wife visited as well. she brought limburger vlaai (regional pie, it's amazing) and we had prosecco so we had a toast in publisher's name. we had a book for him that people could write messages for him in (his wife had explicitly stated she wanted the book to be for him, not well-wishes and support for her). the book filled up with beautiful heartfelt messages from readers/bookbuyers and authors both, and that was great. i met up with a few people who had bought my book at previous events and were commisserating with me about how they would not get Book #2 for a while yet. they had all seen the facebook announcements and my blog so they all knew, and to get their reassurance that they still believed in everything and that they would wait was lovely. but it did rub it in that even though i sold fairly well (as well as in arcen, and better than in belgium), i could have easily sold twice as much if i'd been able to pitch and sell book 2 as well. and then there was the lady that waltzed into our stand at the end of day 2, exclaiming she was here for a book 2, she didn't know the author but it was about this magic sphere, and this modern world and she'dĀ  been promised that book 2 would be presented at this event... having to explain for the gazillionth time to someone i didn't even remember selling the book to just broke my heart. when she left the stand, i really wanted to smack someone because i was just so angry and frustrated and sad. i was just so done with everything, with the uncertainty and the sheer injustice of the whole fucking thing. i'm bottling all this shit up like a motherfucker because my grief seems so insignificant compared to people who actually lost their friend/employer/husband/father, whereas i'm sad for them, and sad that he's dead, but mostly i'm so upset that i worked so hard for my book and we don't even know what's fucking happening now...? that was the moment i kind of broke in public, and D was a total sweetheart and validated me for my feelings, even though she's lost a friend and employer. i really needed that <3 so yeah... all we can do is wait. and write. and network. i haven't written over the weekend, but my current wordcount is 15002 & my CW is 100.6. i'll let you know when i have more updates.