Did a little of introspection with Olli last night. It wasn’t pretty – I ended up crying and, eventually, vomiting because of all the snot I swallowed. My nose always fills up when I cry. I guess it’s the time of the month, but we surely hit a spot last night with that introspection.
Seems like I’m mentally just as fucked up as anyone else… and I always regarded myself as easygoing and strong. Oh well.
Apparently Im so uncertain about myself that I project all my energy on others to make them happy, so I can share in that happiness. During that whole process, I basically ignore myself and don’t listen to my heart. Because deep down inside I don’t think I am worth all the trouble and energy I invest into others.
Which is rather pathetic really.
It’s an easy way of life if you don’t think about it too deeply; you just drift along on the flow of life and do not care that much about what happens to you. It’ll be alright, and you’re focusing on the happiness of others anyway.
So I am uncertain, and I don’t like myself. I ignore myself. Thus; I never think about what I want. Thus; I dont even have dreams or plans for the future. I dont even know what I want with my life.
Man, I suck. 
I called in sick because of that little realisation I had last night. I think I need to learn to love myself more, and figure out what I really want.
I am going to study, I made that decision, but the main reason of that will be that I’ll have more time for myself, and to be a little more creative. I’ll keep this diary purely for myself, to spawn everything I want to say.
It’ll probably be mixed with introspections and editions of Summer Children. If anyone wants to read it, he or she is free to do it, but I cant imagine anyone would be interested.
Anyway, I’m going to sunbathe for a bit.
See ya later.
Take care, Lannie