Olli talked to the real estate people today and guess what… it’s official.
On 2 March we’re going to get the key to the new house.
I am so excited! Because it’s three months from now, it’s now going to go really fast.
Nuttyville, here we come! <3

A trend I’ve noticed in the past year, is that the burning ambition that I had when I finished my study and had my first two starter’s jobs… has dwindled. What used to be a burning fire and a need to prove myself, is now smoldering embers.

No, work is not the most important thing anymore. Reading back to 2004-2007 I was so focused on work, getting better, trying to get somewhere… and somewhere during this year I just decided… fuck it. Ambition’s all nice and good… but I’m just so much happier now that I have a job that DOESN’T suck out my soul.

I still work, I still work hard at times… and at other days it’s more quiet. But it’s work. Just that. And if I have to choose, I’d ten times rather hang out with the girls in the pub or the sauna, or tag along to the jam sessions of the boys. If I’m at work for a week and I have a concert to go to on Thursday evening - then the latter is what I am focusing on.

I’m not kidding when I say that I want to ENJOY myself, and that’s my new year’s resolution. I want to put some time into getting into shape again and continue the good step I took with fitness and reiki… but partying and smiling are the top of my list. And partying can be cuddling/giggling in bed with Olli or sitting on the couch together by the light of Brenda’s LED candles that she forgot over at our place, or eating sushi or tapas, or singing along at some concert or lying in the grass at a festival or Rock Rock or the park… I don’t care.
I just want to enjoy myself.

I work to live. And I live to enjoy myself.

And here it is, my end of year reflection for 2008! Just as long and wordy and insightful as all the others.
Just for shits and giggles: pay some attention to the things I said at the end of last year, by the way - and then see what’s come of them. Isn’t it funny how new years resolutions are so utterly useless and life always throws you curveballs and what may be true and right at this moment, can be bollocks in six months time?

January - March
We started off 2008 dressed as rockstars and drinking champagne, which might be a bit symbolic for this year. It was a fun party, everyone looked lovely, and we ended the night/started the morning by driving home through thick fog at 6.30am. It was a good start of the first bit of the year that didn’t feel very right for me. Despite a fun time in Brugge with Olli on our retreat weekend, I was quickly growing disillusioned by work and all of its awful politics and was struggling to make ends meet time-wise because of the increasing workload of my study. Affairs and lies and drama galore at work, and at the end of March I decided that it was time to change things. I started sending out job applications. Also, Olli and I were starting to think about buying a house in Den Haag area, and Olli and the boys started a band, which they loved fiercely.
To distract myself from winter and work ickiness, I thought up the Rock Rock concept, and got everyone enthusiastic about it.

April
April started off very cold. Of course this happened to be the week that I was spending in a tent in the Ardennes on a communications training. I was an intern with the communication trainers there, they taught Uni students about the values of communications, conversation techniques, and working together. All this in falling snow and freezing cold, which was a bundle of fun in that not really kind of way. In hindsight I’m glad I did it, the students were amazing – but the trainers team sucked and the weather as well – so I won’t do it again. But I do have those laughs with the students to look back upon, the laughter fit I had when I realized it had snowed in the night, as well as those hours sitting in a deserted forest listening to blaring loud In Flames, so I’m glad I did it.
Afterwards, all things except work turned for the better quickly. Not only weather-wise, but for me as well. I was finishing up the last bit of my study (which was a LOT of hard work), was going to job interviews, but I had a lot of fun with friends. The Fantasy Fair was brilliant, we watched the last show of the 10 dB’s which was hilarious, we went to the Parkway Drive gig… and most of all, Olli and I found a house in Leidschendam that we started bidding upon.

May
May started off with our own impromptu festival on a camping in Ommen: Rock Rock! We had a great time. The days were sun-laden and the nights were frigging cold, but we had a good time just sitting around the campsite, listening to music and talking and laughing. Just goes to figure that you don’t need a great lineup to have a good festival feeling anyway. I really hope we can make this into a tradition; that first festival of the year is a really good feeling.
Right after, though, limbo started. My job interviews were not getting back news, and neither was the house in Leidschendam. One frustration-filled week later, it turned out that both had fallen through and it was back to the drawing board for us. And I wanted to get out of my job so badly. Where it came to houses, we did find another house that we thought was awesome, but it was kind of expensive, so we kept looking.
I spent the rest of May working frantically on my portfolio so I could finish off my study and get my degree. Just before May ended, I turned in my portfolio, it was approved, and then there was the beautiful wedding of Wendy and Arno… which was so full of warmth and happiness that I completely recharged for a while there.

June
June was maybe one of the best months of the year. I graduated my study and obtained my post-bachelor’s degree as Trainer & Teamcoach, I got ridiculously drunk (and hungover) at the Popomeet in Alkmaar – and that was already a great start of the month. There was another job interview at this company in Leiden that was really promising, too. The only shitty thing that month was that I got my wisdom teeth removed and I had a sore face all week. And smiling hurt. That was SO depressing – to ache every time you smiled.
But then everything came together; I had my second interview in Leiden and an offer pretty much in the pocket, the pain in my mouth went away, the sun was shining… and I quit my job. And suddenly I felt like I could take on the world. Also, my boss was happy to let me go quickly, so I could finish up the month and then I suddenly had a month off until I started at the new job in Leiden. Also, we bought ourselves Tangy, which was awesome.
But first… first there was Graspop Metal Meeting, where I partied my ass off with friends. Sun-laden, beer-filled, music-filled fun. Is there anything better than that? Soilwork and Sabaton rocked my socks off, In Flames was a lot of fun, Iron Maiden was impressive, there was fireworks and laughs – it was all great.

July - August
Because I had the month off, it pretty much rained for the first bit of it. I didn’t mind too much. I spent a lot of time recuperating, gaming, and going out for drinks and tapas (there were lots of tapas) with nice people. The most important thing though was that Olli and I decided to start bidding on the expensive house in Nootdorp anyway, and we bought it. We won’t be able to get the key until March or something, but it was still a huge thing. And the house is SO beautiful. <3
In the last week of July the weather suddenly turned gorgeous, so I went to the beach with Lie and Bren, and then it was already time for our birthdays – for which we had a good party. On Olli’s birthday we had a power outage though, which lasted until late August. We took that as a sign to start redecorating soon, which we did.
But first there was the new job, which started off very pleasant but hellishly busy. It was a hell of a relief after the drama-fest of a job I had left behind me… just WORK, with all its ups and downs and smiles and frustrations. For now it’s good enough, but the relief of it had me dizzy with happiness for weeks on end.
It was only two weeks, though – because I had two weeks off in August for going to Lowlands – which was BRILLIANT with good music, fun, the most perfect festival weather I’ve ever had, playing bongo’s, hanging out with Lie and Olli, blowing bubbles in the sunshine and oh did I mention the perfect Editors gig already?!) - and going to England. First Olli and I played the tourist in London, which was a lot of fun, and then we hung out with the nice Euromeet people in Towchester.

September - October
I was busy with my new job, and at home we were very busy redecorating the computer room in our apartment. Wallpapering, painting, the works. Our house looked like a bomb had gone off because of it, but in the end it was definitely worth it. There was more constructive stuff that I did; I resolved to finally finish off my story Shards, preferably before November & Nanowrimo. Which I did; I wrote over 40K in a month and a half and wrote some heartbreaking stuff that I’m still happy with. It needs some edits, but it was very satisfying to write.
Brenda, Wendy and I hung out a lot together, we discovered the sauna in the Hague that was more than decent and a beautiful way to spend a free Friday afternoon. There were also lunches and laughs and hanging out with Lie and some fun concerts (Scars on Broadway and In Flames).

November
This might very well be the first time in seven years that music was more important than writing in November. Because for me, this year’s Nanowrimo kind of didn’t do it for me. I wrote my 50K, but the last 15K were the equivalent of pulling teeth. It’s because I already wrote Shards of course – and it turns out that I had just way more emotional investment in that story, which made Frostbite one hell of a letdown. I might finish the story one day because it does have potential, just not now.
Thankfully though, there was more than enough music highpoints to make this month one made of rockage. First there was the Soilwork gig which I’ve lamented before, but OMG that just completely blew my mind. I have never partied harder during a gig, I think. Then there was Slipknot, which was brilliant as well (Corey <3), and we finished off the month with Rodrigo Y Gabriela and a good night out.
Of course, there was also the reiki initiation, which was very interesting and wonderful as well. I’m glad I shared it with Wendy, it was really special. I should update my list of coincedences, btw. Because I have a few more to add to the list which make me wonder if I should really believe in this.

December
And December was mostly winding down, looking back. A heavy flu, a cool Flogging Molly show, but mostly just working and looking back on the year… and somewhere down the line I decided fuckit, I want to have fun. No use wondering how things could be when you have the opportunity to experience them, right?

That’s basically the thought of this year. The first bit of it utterly sucked… looking back on the whole work situation I’m surprised how long I managed to hold on in that toxic environment. I’m so glad that I now have something that doesn’t suck out my soul AND earns me reasonable money. But oh, the music, the laughs, hanging out with the boys in the jamplace and with the girls in the sauna… the shitloads of tapas I’ve had, the cocktails, the sushi. The Popmundo meets, new friends. Somewhere a switch was flipped, and I suddenly had a brilliant time. So no, I’m not going to lament on the first part of the year which was made of suckage. I’m going to focus on how we managed to change it all around by getting a new job, a new house, on music indulgence and writing out my heart story this year, which was Shards… and on giving love to those around me… how easy it is, in the end, to love.

It was like an awakening. So yeah, this year’s End of Year song is called “As The Sleeper Awakes”, it’s by Soilwork, and I’m going to thoroughly enjoy it when we play it on New Year’s Eve.

And for next year, I expect many more indulgences and new experiences. Because that’s what life is for.

1) Where did you begin 2008?
in the livingroom of the apartment of Derek and Sanne, in Amsterdam. Dressed up like a rockstar and drinking champagne with friends.

2) What was your status by Valentine’s Day?
Married

3) Were you in school (anytime this year)?
Yes, I did (& successfully finished) a post-bachelor’s course in Training and Teamcoaching. Go me!

4) How did you earn your money?
By working

5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
Yes, to have my wisdom teeth removed

6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
No

7) Where did you go on vacation?
Brugge/Brugues, Belgium
Thilay, North France (not really a vacation, more like a working trip)
Ommen, the Netherlands (for Rock Rock festival :D)
London, England

And of course to Dessel, Belgium - for Graspop Metal Meeting. And not to mention Biddinghuizen, The Netherlands, for Lowlands festival.

What did you purchase that was over $1000?
Tangy, our Skoda Fabia :), and our new house

9) Did you know anybody who got married?
Wendy and Arno, and such a pretty day it was

10) Did you know anybody who passed away?
Not personally, I’ve heard of people though.

12) Did you move anywhere?
No

13) What concerts/shows did you go to?
Parkway Drive @ Melkweg, Amsterdam
Graspop Metal Meeting @ Dessel, Belgium
(notably: Soilwork, In Flames, Apocalyptica)
Lowlands Festival @ Biddinghuizen
(notably: Killswitch Engage, the Wombats, Korpiklaani, Editors)
Scars on Broadway @ Melkweg Amsterdam
In Flames @ 013, Tilburg
Soilwork @ Melkweg Amsterdam
Slipknot @ HMH, Amsterdam
Rodrigo Y Gabriela @ Paradiso, Amsterdam
Flogging Molly @ Melkweg, Amsterdam

14) Where do you live now?
Rijswijk - near the Hague in the Netherlands

15) Describe your birthday
We celebrated it a few days earlier, on a swelteringly warm evening in our apartment. We had booze and laughs, and we ended the night with me (surprisingly) owning everyone’s ass at Guitar Hero
On the day itself we went to hang out with Tijs and Kat in Haarlem.

16) What have you done in 2008 that you’ve never done before in your life?
Got my tattoo re-inked
Camping in the snow
Wild water rafting
Driving through that bend in the A7 at Purmerend with 140kmpu
Obtaining a post-Bachelor’s degree
Got wisdom teeth removed
Bought a brand new car
Bought a house (!)
Obtaining my Reiki 1 certificate

…hey, that’s quite a few awesome new achievement points right there

17) What has been your favorite moment?
The Soilwork concert in November. I was so smashed/drunk that I loved everything, bounced around in a moshpit, walked around with tinnitus for two days because of it, got my boobs signed by the singer (teehee!), and the concert was made of awesome.It was just a great night.

18) What’s something you learned about yourself?
- that I love my fuckit attitude sometimes. Not caring what other people think and just going with the flow… It’s liberating
Some of the best moments in the year were because of that attitude.

19) What lessons in life did 2008 teach you?
To just DO things, and not let chances pass you by so you’ll always wonder how it would have been. What good is it to wonder, when you can experience?

20) Any new additions to your family?
Only if you count the Popmundo kids

21) What was your best month?
August. Start of a new job, Lowlands, London.

22) What music will you remember 2007 by?
Soilwork and Editors.

23) Who has been your best drinking buddy?
As last year, this title is shared with Olli and Brenda. We’re the hardcore concert goer gang, and somehow that is combined with drinking. I wonder why

24) Made new friends?
Nathalie - through Popmundo

25) Favorite Night out?
the night at Lowlands with Lie and Olli - watching first Underworld, completely rocking out, then playing with the bongo’s with Jos, and then rocking out even MORE at the Alpha DJ’s.
But the Soilwork gig is a very good second.

26) Will you end this year with the same mate you started it with?
I hope so, haha

27) What are your plans for Christmas?
chilling out, eating food, visit the parents & inlaws.

28) What are your plans and hopes for 2009?
Doing things I like with people I love, having a great time. Is there ever anything else? If we go for clearly outlined plans, then the move into our new house is the biggest/most ambitious thing we’ve planned… the rest is all centered around HAVING FUN.

So now it’s time for the 2008 AWARDS

Song of the Year:
Soilwork - “As The Sleeper Awakes”
Why? Because of biking through Den Haag at 7.30 in the morning. Because of the riff at the end. And because it’s how I feel about 2008. There was this turnaround at the middle of the year, when I quit my job… and it’s not all the jobquitting, but there was a switch that was flipped, that I realized that I should fucking ENJOY myself, I’ve got only one life to live. And so I did. Like the lyrics say: “What if tomorrow was taken away from me”?

Runner up songs of the year:
Editors - “Escape The Nest” - so gorgeous, misty eyes at the concert, deep feelings stirring inside, touching my heart. Those blue lights. And walking out, feeling so in love with the world. It was such a perfect concert.
Air Traffic - “Shooting Star” - because it does everything RIGHT. And it really conveys what love means for me. I understand this lyricwriter, he and I agree on what love is.
In Flames - “The Chosen Pessimist” - seriously. Go sit in a deserted French forest on a grey and fucking cold day in April for four hours while listening to this song and then tell me that this song isn’t brilliant. If you do, then you have no pulse. Or no taste. Possibly both.

Band of the Year:
Soilwork. …duh?

Album of the Year:
Slipknot - All Hope Is Gone
because it rocked really, really hard.

Movie of the Year:
“The Dark Knight”, hands down. Heath Ledger totally deserves an oscar.

Festival of the Year:
Wow, that really sucks to choose. Graspop and Lowlands were brilliant for completely different reasons. Graspop had the better concerts and a more cohesive group, but at Lowlands I partied harder.

Festival Concert of the Year:
Editors @ Lowlands 2008
I stumbled out of that concert with misty eyes, and so completely in love with the world. It was PERFECT, everything I’d always wanted to see from them, and it was everything I needed. No points to improve upon at all. I would have liked to see them play “The Weight Of The World”, but as it was, it was completely okay.

non-Festival Concert of the Year:
Soilwork @ Melkweg Amsterdam. Because that one was REVOLUTIONARY. One other concert ever has ever made me feel that way: despite the horrid soundsettings, I didn’t give a fuck and threw myself into a moshpit, joining in without a care in the world. <3 Also, I got the singer to autograph my boobs. You have to be REALLY awesome to get me to that point.

Musical Disappointment of the Year:
there wasn’t any <3

Best TV Series of the Year:
Lost. Season four rocked my world. I fell in love with Terminator: SCC as well, and BSG had a really good run this year - but Lost was consistently the best series.

I don’t write that much romance in my stories, I’ve realized. Hardly ever do I have a boy-meets-girl-and-they-fall-in-love storyline. The storylines in this story either deal with an established relationship, or with no relationship at all. I’m usually perfectly happy to let my characters co-exist without falling in love. Thinking back, the only times I’ve gone for that spiel recently, was the Joy/Seamon pairing in Through Crystal in 2006. One could argue for Kayley and Jenni in 2004, but there was something fundamentally wrong with THAT relationship, so let’s not go there

And it makes sense I suppose: you write about what you know and about what you fear. And I know established love, I fear losing it. So in my stories there’s already the relationship, usually. It’s never easy, though… love isn’t easy. There’s no true wuv forever like movies and books have us believe. I’d die for Olli, and our relationship is the most beautiful thing in the world I know… but it’s LIFE. Nothing is ever easy. Nothing can be taken for granted.

I noticed that very clearly when I wrote Shards with Joy and Seamon - dealing with their aftermath of their adventure in Through Crystal. Yes, they’d fallen in love back then. But their love wasn’t easy, because they weren’t easy people. Never mind their situation. There was bound to be friction, and that was so logical to me. Writing them was the realization of the true wuv 4eva that didn’t exist - they had to work for their relationship, accept that they weren’t perfect for each other… accept that, get over it, deal with it and move on together. For a while I thought they didn’t, but thankfully they did. It felt like a damn relief

And I felt this so bloody keenly when I was writing out that short Fortress/Forsaken story about Lannie and Walter. That might very well be the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever written, and nobody understands how painful it is but me, because I understand their relationship - the love they have and the curveball life’s thrown them, and how they deal with it, losing each other because of it. It’s half what I know, it’s half what I fear. And if there’s a heartstory, there’s one for you right there. No wonder I’ve kept returning to that couple since I gave Bren the premise for their story somewhere way the hell back in 2006. No wonder I had to write Walter in my 2007 Nanowrimo story Forsaken. To me, his story’s even more important than Dani’s - who was the main character.

Just my thoughts on romance the stories I tell, and some musings on where I stand in life. I love Olli, I love my relationship and my life with him. But love isn’t easy. If it was easy, everyone would do it, right?
Still, it doesn’t mean that the lyrics below aren’t love, either.

It is as if you’ve come along too soon
and I’m trying to fit you in
but I can’t seem to follow

You’re a cutie if it all falls through
We can piece it back together
I can learn to trust you too

You’re just too good to lose
and I can’t refuse
so don’t make me choose
between the two
I’m fed up in here
in my atmosphere
Don’t you know who you are
You’re my shooting star

I’m not sure I believe in reiki. So many things can be coincedence, but I know what I felt during the initiation, and I know what happened afterwards. Lots of it can be concentration, mindpower and coincedence. But here’s a list of ‘coincedences’ since the reiki thing anyway:

- The feeling as if someone was rolling a magnet over my hands during initiation
- The way my hands tingle during reiki - but only the mouse of my hand, my thumbs and index fingers
- The way my hands get warm when I give someone reiki
- I picked out the spot on Wendy’s back that’s bothered her with RSI in the day. It’s still a weak spot. I had no idea, I thought it was her shoulder that was fucked up with RSI back then. I was giving her treatment, and I didn’t want to leave that spot. When I commented that out loud, Wendy told me this was her old RSI spot, and it turns out that these kinds of spot ‘want’ more energy, and thus if you’re in tune, you ‘want’ to give energy a bit longer/more. That was the freakiest moment for me.
- The terribly peaceful way I fell asleep when I gave myself reiki last night, and the dreamless, wonderful sleep I enjoyed.
- How Bako sat really still while I gave him reiki to his painful hind leg. Normally you’re not allowed to touch him there. He hops away or he shifts position to see wtf you’re doing.
- And the fact that my nosebleed (I’d been picking at it, bad me) resolved itself in LESS than five minutes, whereas last times I’ve been occupied for nearly fifteen minutes before it let up.

So yeah, maybe it’s all coincedences. But they’re very funny and interesting, nonetheless. And I’ll keep collecting these ‘coincedences’ as I practice my l33t reiki skills. Let’s see if I can get a definite ‘yes’ for myself. I’ve heard other people’s stories, but I want to make my own.

That was… exhausting, and uplifting. Both at the same time.
And it was so much of what I was doing already, that it all felt completely natural to work this way. And yes, there are some things that really DO work that I can’t explain, and all those gut feelings that turn out to be so irrevocably true. That’s completely weird… and yet so logical. Turns out that I took to it like a fish takes to water, and that I’m terribly in tune with myself, other people, and energy in general.
Somehow it doesn’t surprise me. I’ve always been a people-person. And a feeler.
Now I just have a certificate that says I have my Reiki 1. And I have a shitload of practicing to do

There’ll be more later, but now it’s time for Olli-hugs.

As quite a few of you know already, I do not possess a sense of smell. I do not have any recollections of smelling anything, no memory of it. My mom swears I reacted to smells when I was a toddler, but at age 2 or 3 I got an ear infection, and then an infection on a bone in my ear, and apparently I lost the sense of smell somewhere around that time.

Nobody ever found out, because I had no idea what the hell I was missing. I just pretended, what the hell did I know? If somebody farted, I said ‘ewww’ like everybody else. And for some reason, it just didn’t come up. I had lots of colds as a kid, so everyone just assumed I was having a cold at the time when I didn’t respond to any smells or said I didn’t smell anything.

What stands out to me most is when I was eleven of something. My neighbour friend Eveline and I were walking down the stairs in my house and Eveline said: “You’re eating brocolli tonight.”
And I wondered how the hell she knew. She gave me a weird look. “Your mom is cooking it. Can’t you smell it, then?”
I didn’t. And that’s when I kind of realized.

I don’t know how it came up, or whatever, but at some point we saw a doctor about it, who said he couldn’t really do anything about it. And that’s basically my story.

People always ask me if I can’t taste, either. But I can. Or at least I think I do; what the hell do I know? I know what kinds of food I like and dislike, I’m a sucker for sweet stuff. But I can’t distinguish whether you’re serving me strawberry tea or orange tea, for example. That’s mostly smell-based, apparently. Blindfold me and give me an orange or strawberry and HELL YES I know what I’m tasting. (Oh and btw, I’ve sniffed ammonia once, after Olli dared me to in biology class when I was fifteen. And it made me fall off my chair as if I got punched in the face. Just so you know)

It never particularly bothered me. It’s even been handy in some (smelly) cases, where I could clean out places that had other people gagging and throwing up. Festivals are a whole lot less unpleasant for me because I’m not bothered by the smell of beer, piss, and sweat. Port-a-potties are disgusting because they’re filthy, but not because they smell. I always glossed over the part where it’s dangerous - leaving the gas on, checking whether you’re not burning your food, being careful about spoilt food, and so on, and so on.

Tonight I googled the affliction for the first time in my life. It has a name. Anosmia.
And when I read this particular quote…

“Often people who have congenital anosmia report that they pretended to be able to smell as children because they thought that smelling was something that older/mature people could do, or did not understand the concept of smelling but did not want to appear different from others. When children get older, they often realize and report to their parents that they do not actually possess a sense of smell, often, to the surprise of their parents.”

It nearly made me cry. Because it IS the story of my life. And suddenly it made me really sad. I’m missing out on so much, and I’ll never even know the smell of freshly baked bread, of rain coming, of coffee, the ocean, or even the smell of my house and my husband. I’ll never know.
I don’t really want to ask for attention about this, which is maybe why I’ve never made a big deal out of it.
It’s just tonight for the first time in my life, that I think this really fucking sucks.

At age fourteen I met this guy (let’s name him P) at some fair in Opmeer. I was there with my boyfriend Kris at the time and he knew some people who knew my boyfriend. So we chatted a bit, and I commented on his necklace, which had a pendant that said ‘reiki’. He told me about Reiki in a very roundabout way (about energy and healing), and when I was intrigued he offered to demonstrate. Sure, I said. So he laid his hands in my neck, closed his eyes and said: “You’re sporting a minor headache. Right here.”
And he indicated at the place that had been giving me a bit of a headache all day. I think I said something along the lines of “wtf” and he asked me if I wanted him to take away that blockade of energy, so I’d feel better again.
Well, duh, I said yes of course. And his hands got warmer; I could feel that. It didn’t do anything immediately, but half an hour later I was surprised to note that this minor headache I didn’t tell anyone about earlier that day because it wasn’t enough to REALLY bug me, was gone.
This guy was also the first & only one who took a good look at me and my then-boyfriend Kris and said honestly and bluntly to me that I didn’t love Kris as much as he loved me. And I realized with a start that he was right; I didn’t feel that much for Kris apart from friendship – I was 14 years old and I had no idea wtf I was doing in this or any relationship anyway (way too young, way too egocentric adolescent back then. I still feel sorry about that). Now how that resolved is a completely different story, but this was my first introduction to Reiki. This guy P had a remarkable insight in people, he read me like a book like no one had ever done before. Also, the thing he did with the energy; it really worked. Very weird.

Anyway, flashforward four years, until age 17-18, when I was dating ex boyfriend Remko. Remko’s mother is a reiki master. And talk about your canny insight in people. She and Rem were pretty spiritual anyway, into growth and everything. I was very impressed by her, but she’s also just honestly a great woman. I’ve met up with her several times during my life and we always had great chats. She’s a great person.
We did talk about reiki, and I told her about the experience with P.; she smiled when I asked how she and P did that reiki thing anyway, because I wanted to do that, too. “Why?” she asked me. 
“Well, to help other people of course.”
She just shook her head at that. “To help others, first you have to want to help yourself. You have to do it for YOU, not for them.”
I didn’t really understand that at the time.

I do understand now. And now I want to help myself.

It came on my path again the other day and I realized that throughout all the stories I’ve ever told, energy has been a major issue; next to love. You write about what you want, and what you fear. So energy and love have maybe even been a theme throughout my life. And I thought… what the hell. Why not. Maybe this is something for me. If I don’t do this, I’ll wonder all my life what this is really about. So 23 November Wendy and I are going to be initiated into Reiki.
I’m terribly looking forward to this.

Searching, collecting all the things I possess
a detecting, the insight I’ve earned in distress
Learning, finally I know how to breathe
Turning, turning away from the greed…
So unpleasant, it strikes whenever I call
So relentless, as I fall
A grand awakening, will kill it all
Nevertheless
I’ll be my own precious god…
I can’t resist, the things I’ve missed
And I’ll make sure that it will last the time, I will insist
What if tomorrow, was taken away from me
Away from me, away from me

It was only a remark, something half-offhand that Wendy said.
And it just completely hit me in the face.
I have some stuff to read through, some realizations to verify. Some time to think whether I’m not imagining or romanticizing things.
But if this is true, if this is really true… then I’m in for some interesting times.
23 November I’ll know more.