the good thing about not posting any blogs in the past year or so is that nobody reads this shit anymore, so i now truly have a private space to rant incoherently if i want to. Whoo!
i don't want to bother people with my incessant feels, because i know i keep talking about it. It's just... but this story man, it destroys my soul.
i'm in the middle of editing the last few chapters of the story together with my editor and the feels in this story are just so fucking huge. there are tiny moments where i am sitting in the car and suddenly i'm thinking things like 'oh my god, Romain orchestrated the destruction of delgado after all - it was his mail that gave the plans of the Lentagon to Jediah. Joy may have stopped him when he wanted to take the Lentagon and destroy Delgado with his own hands as retribution for what happened to his own birth city... but it's fucking Romain who has the last laugh' and i'm sitting there, driving, and there are just these FEELS that are destroying me, my throat tightening, and i just want to cry - for Romain, but also for Joy who has worked SO FUCKING HARD to not let her visions happen, and in some roundabout way they still fucking happened - she sacrificed so much, but you can't fuck with the future man. it's just... ugh.
and then there's this fucking song, man.
'we can do much better, than you are'
it's basically the end credits to book 3 and it kills me. just fuck me up, arcane roots.
like a punch in the gut. ughhhhh.
ten years ago today, i was sitting on a terrace behind the Eetkaemer café in a bronze-coloured dress, with flowers in my hair and i had a new golden ring around my right ring finger. Olli had a matching one, white gold against my yellow gold. it feels like yesterday as well as forever ago. i still love him as much as i did back then. that bullshit about loving someone more every day is not true, i think... or maybe i just hit max level fifteen years ago. he's a part of my soul, and even if it is not always easy, i can't live without him. he's the best thing that ever happened to me and i'm fucking grateful that he puts up with my shit. <3 onwards to the next ten years! (enjoy this piano cover of 'the only moment we were alone' by explosions in the sky. if you'd ask me if Olli and I have 'a song together', then no, not really - but this song is the closest. for some reason it reminds me of our wedding day, because i listened to the song a lot during that summer. it was enough to break me the fuck down when i saw it played live in the paradiso a couple of years ago. and this piano cover is beautiful. i don't think i shared it here yet, so here you go. it's gorgeous and fragile and beautiful.)
and then there was silence for nearly a month. just when i'd gotten back into the habit of updating, my blog went down quite spectacularly, so updating was kinda hard. but we're back! and with more bad news; on May 19, my grandmother died. she was 89 years old and so badly wanted to reach her 90th birthday. she'd been so busy planning her party, and then within a week her body just completely quit on her. basically both her kidneys and her heart were failing, causing moisture to fill her lungs, and breathing became torture real quickly. she already did a stint in the hospital for this in february, but it now came back with a vengeance and it was just all kind of hopeless. so on saturday the whole family gathered and we all said our goodbyes. it was hard to see her fight for her breath. it got better once she'd decided fuckit, give me sleep medication and morphine up the wazoo and i'm out. even with that - despite that, she woke up on sunday morning and wanted to drink some water because she was thirsty. when asked if she wanted to wake up again or just not anymore, she said that it was cool, she said her goodbyes and would like to sleep now. and then she hung on until Tuesdaymorning 7am. it got edgy for a while there because it was unclear what would give out first, her heart or her lungs - if it would have been the latter, she would have choked. but they upped the morphine and she just peacefully went in her sleep. the tuesday thereafter would be her funeral, during which i caught up with family and gave a speech at the funeral itself. in the meantime, though, we had tickets for Dunk!festival, which was fantastic. we slept in the youth hostel (not olli, he slept in a tent) and despite atrocious forecasts, the weather held itself alright: it only poured with rain on thursday evening. Friday was a beautiful day during which we lounged in the grass and watched many great bands, and Saturday started with some drizzles but ended up very tolerable as well. and then the music. oh, the music. the bands that stood out on the thursday were Wang Wen and Jakob - the former was a beautiful surprise. we knew they were bros with pg.lost, which Brenda and I dearly love, so they were bound to be kind of awesome, but they had this brass section, bucketloads of charm and a great live show... loved it! it was beautiful. and then came Jakob, for which i was exactly drunk enough. Jakob was so tightly played, and heavy, and overhwhelmingly amazing <3 MONO played after that, and they were nice, but after Wang Wen and Jakob, that was a hard sell. On Saturday was mostly a lot of sunshine! I checked out Solkyri and Stories of the Lost, then missed a lot of stuff because sunshine and really good talks, and finally was drunk as fuck by the time Caspian played. i proceeded to embarrass myself by bursting into tears during both Gone In Bloom And Bough, and during Halls Of The Summer, because their show was so immensely warm and beautiful and i was just emotional, okay? 😀 it was awesome. 😀 Not very surprisingly, i had a hangover on sunday morning. i missed ilydaen because of it, and had to miss out on Ornaments because i really needed some fresh air. Olli was sweet enough to accompany me for that. he made enemies with a cow, because that's what you do on the belgian countryside 😀 When we came back, we stumbled in a rescheduled show of Doomina, which was pretty goddamn fantastic, and then we checked out End Of The Ocean, which was really nice. Year Of No Light then proceeded to be an EXPERIENCE, because oh my god, that's not a show you see and hear, that's something you FEEL inside your bones. that definitely happened. wow wow wow. i finally started to feel good again, and then there was Maybeshewill, who will always be fantastic during festival gigs. the audience loved them so much, went completely nuts, and that was so infective. they played a great show, and afterwards i was just completely elated. and exhausted. Olli, Other Tijs and I then checked out Amenra while Marco & Brenda had already bailed out to bed. Marco was half-sick and Bren was just exhausted. Then there was a party in the courtyard of the hostel and I was in bed at around 4am, I think? that last festival night is just always so bittersweet because you don't want it to end, you know? so you stay awake even though your muscles are hurting, your feet are dead, and you know you're going to pay for it tomorrow and you are so fucking exhausted, but you don't want it the night to end because that means that the festival will be over. All in all, 10/10 would dunk again 😀 (more pics are found HERE) then this weekend Olli, Bren and I went to Mad Max and watched UFC, and on Sunday Corina and Tijs dropped by for writes (of which we did little, we mostly chatted and boozed up), and then on the free Pentecost monday we just vegged out. Lots of stuff has happened, and still no news from my publisher. Weight update is a steady 99-something, with my lowest being 99.3. With all the stuff going on - both depressing and boozing things - i haven't been really great in the weightloss department. same goes for writing, i'm stuck at 21K. but now we're back on track. hopefully i'll be able to make some mileage this weekend 🙂
so today will be a day of writing, so expect my wordcount to increase somewhat... but i wanted to share this already: i cracked the 100kg this morning. there were finally only two numbers before the comma. 99.8 kg. i am so fucking pleased 😀 in other news, i started listening to Dillinger Escape Plan non-ironically (because they'll be at ArcTangent), and it turns out that i like their punky all-over-the-place-ishness. most notably, i'm digging the shit out of 'Milk Lizard'. i know right? isn't it awesome? 😀 i'll stay the hell back from the front lines during their gig though. The last time felt like i was being dragged along by a riptide, and i even had Marco and the stage to steady me. what a fucking madhouse.