nothing exists but atoms and the void

and then there was silence for nearly a month. just when i’d gotten back into the habit of updating, my blog went down quite spectacularly, so updating was kinda hard. but we’re back! and with more bad news; on May 19, my grandmother died. she was 89 years old and so badly wanted to reach her 90th birthday. she’d been so busy planning her party, and then within a week her body just completely quit on her. basically both her kidneys and her heart were failing, causing moisture to fill her lungs, and breathing became torture real quickly.

she already did a stint in the hospital for this in february, but it now came back with a vengeance and it was just all kind of hopeless. so on saturday the whole family gathered and we all said our goodbyes. it was hard to see her fight for her breath. it got better once she’d decided fuckit, give me sleep medication and morphine up the wazoo and i’m out. even with that – despite that, she woke up on sunday morning and wanted to drink some water because she was thirsty. when asked if she wanted to wake up again or just not anymore, she said that it was cool, she said her goodbyes and would like to sleep now. and then she hung on until Tuesdaymorning 7am.

it got edgy for a while there because it was unclear what would give out first, her heart or her lungs – if it would have been the latter, she would have choked. but they upped the morphine and she just peacefully went in her sleep.

the tuesday thereafter would be her funeral, during which i caught up with family and gave a speech at the funeral itself.

in the meantime, though, we had tickets for Dunk!festival, which was fantastic. we slept in the youth hostel (not olli, he slept in a tent) and despite atrocious forecasts, the weather held itself alright: it only poured with rain on thursday evening. Friday was a beautiful day during which we lounged in the grass and watched many great bands, and Saturday started with some drizzles but ended up very tolerable as well.

and then the music. oh, the music. the bands that stood out on the thursday were Wang Wen and Jakob – the former was a beautiful surprise. we knew they were bros with pg.lost, which Brenda and I dearly love, so they were bound to be kind of awesome, but they had this brass section, bucketloads of charm and a great live show… loved it! it was beautiful. and then came Jakob, for which i was exactly drunk enough. Jakob was so tightly played, and heavy, and overhwhelmingly amazing <3 MONO played after that, and they were nice, but after Wang Wen and Jakob, that was a hard sell.

On Saturday was mostly a lot of sunshine! I checked out Solkyri and Stories of the Lost, then missed a lot of stuff because sunshine and really good talks, and finally was drunk as fuck by the time Caspian played. i proceeded to embarrass myself by bursting into tears during both Gone In Bloom And Bough, and during Halls Of The Summer, because their show was so immensely warm and beautiful and i was just emotional, okay? šŸ˜€ it was awesome. šŸ˜€

Not very surprisingly, i had a hangover on sunday morning. i missed ilydaen because of it, and had to miss out on Ornaments because i really needed some fresh air. Olli was sweet enough to accompany me for that. he made enemies with a cow, because that’s what you do on the belgian countryside šŸ˜€

When we came back, we stumbled in a rescheduled show of Doomina, which was pretty goddamn fantastic, and then we checked out End Of The Ocean, which was really nice. Year Of No Light then proceeded to be an EXPERIENCE, because oh my god, that’s not a show you see and hear, that’s something you FEEL inside your bones. that definitely happened. wow wow wow. i finally started to feel good again, and then there was Maybeshewill, who will always be fantastic during festival gigs. the audience loved them so much, went completely nuts, and that was so infective. they played a great show, and afterwards i was just completely elated. and exhausted.

Olli, Other Tijs and I then checked out Amenra while Marco & Brenda had already bailed out to bed. Marco was half-sick and Bren was just exhausted. Then there was a party in the courtyard of the hostel and I was in bed at around 4am, I think? that last festival night is just always so bittersweet because you don’t want it to end, you know? so you stay awake even though your muscles are hurting, your feet are dead, and you know you’re going to pay for it tomorrow and you are so fucking exhausted, but you don’t want it the night to end because that means that the festival will be over.

All in all, 10/10 would dunk again šŸ˜€
(more pics are found HERE)

then this weekend Olli, Bren and I went to Mad Max and watched UFC, and on Sunday Corina and Tijs dropped by for writes (of which we did little, we mostly chatted and boozed up), and then on the free Pentecost monday we just vegged out.

Lots of stuff has happened, and still no news from my publisher.
Weight update is a steady 99-something, with my lowest being 99.3. With all the stuff going on – both depressing and boozing things – i haven’t been really great in the weightloss department. same goes for writing, i’m stuck at 21K. but now we’re back on track. hopefully i’ll be able to make some mileage this weekend :)


we were never meant to be left alone

so today will be a day of writing, so expect my wordcount to increase somewhat… but i wanted to share this already: i cracked the 100kg this morning. there were finally only two numbers before the comma. 99.8 kg.

i am so fucking pleased šŸ˜€

in other news, i started listening to Dillinger Escape Plan non-ironically (because they’ll be at ArcTangent), and it turns out that i like their punky all-over-the-place-ishness. most notably, i’m digging the shit out of ‘Milk Lizard’.

i know right? isn’t it awesome? šŸ˜€
i’ll stay the hell back from the front lines during their gig though. The last time felt like i was being dragged along by a riptide, and i even had Marco and the stage to steady me. what a fucking madhouse.

expect the unexpected

so what’s even up with 2015? is this the year of crazy shit happening? this is the second time this month that i’m completely blindsided with something that happened. idek. i mean, in contrary to the other thing this is absolutely frigging amazing, don’t get me wrong. it’s just all so coming out of left field, right?

i just won tickets for ArcTangent festival. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) *falls over laughing* how about that?!

I wasn’t even planning on going, but they had this contest in which you had to guess the last five bands that were going to be announced.


So, you know we’re adding our final bands tomorrow yeah?
If you can guess all 5 (in 1 comment below) we’ll give the first person who gets it right 5 tickets for you & 4 mates! As a clue we’ve got 2 bands from Sweden, 1 (kind of already announced from the USA), 1 from Japan & 1 from Spain! Go!


pg.lost and Cult of Luna, LITE, Toundra, ???

(honestly, that was mostly wishful thinking. someone in the other comments mentioned CoL, and they share a keyboard player w/ pg.lost, and pg.lost in that list was just a sweet thought, so i put it there. LITE played there last year and had a blast, was received very well, Toundra is currently touring. that was my thought process)


If you edit your post to include the American band we’ve already kind of unofficially announced – you win!!!

So I googled, and easily found the fifth name.

an agonising three minutes later I got the ‘yep you won!’ comment back. OMG OMG OMG!

so i guess we’re going to ArcTangent this year šŸ˜€

well, that was a weird weekend

so yesterday was the event that i was scheduled to present book #2 on. it was really weird. being there last year was such a triumph, sunladen and glorious and even though i was high on antibiotics and painkillers, it was such a great experience. and this year…. was just weird. it was still a good time, despite the shitty weather, because my colleagues are such sweethearts and D especially was such a darling (seriously i owe her as much as my publisher himself, and she probably doesn’t even realise this. i named a city after her in my book to thank her, but i don’t think i can ever properly convey what her partner and she did for me, in the way of getting confident about my writing).

so being together was good. publisher’s wife visited as well. she brought limburger vlaai (regional pie, it’s amazing) and we had prosecco so we had a toast in publisher’s name. we had a book for him that people could write messages for him in (his wife had explicitly stated she wanted the book to be for him, not well-wishes and support for her). the book filled up with beautiful heartfelt messages from readers/bookbuyers and authors both, and that was great.

i met up with a few people who had bought my book at previous events and were commisserating with me about how they would not get Book #2 for a while yet. they had all seen the facebook announcements and my blog so they all knew, and to get their reassurance that they still believed in everything and that they would wait was lovely. but it did rub it in that even though i sold fairly well (as well as in arcen, and better than in belgium), i could have easily sold twice as much if i’d been able to pitch and sell book 2 as well.
and then there was the lady that waltzed into our stand at the end of day 2, exclaiming she was here for a book 2, she didn’t know the author but it was about this magic sphere, and this modern world and she’dĀ  been promised that book 2 would be presented at this event…

having to explain for the gazillionth time to someone i didn’t even remember selling the book to just broke my heart. when she left the stand, i really wanted to smack someone because i was just so angry and frustrated and sad. i was just so done with everything, with the uncertainty and the sheer injustice of the whole fucking thing. i’m bottling all this shit up like a motherfucker because my grief seems so insignificant compared to people who actually lost their friend/employer/husband/father, whereas i’m sad for them, and sad that he’s dead, but mostly i’m so upset that i worked so hard for my book and we don’t even know what’s fucking happening now…? that was the moment i kind of broke in public, and D was a total sweetheart and validated me for my feelings, even though she’s lost a friend and employer. i really needed that <3

so yeah… all we can do is wait. and write. and network.

i haven’t written over the weekend, but my current wordcount is 15002 & my CW is 100.6.

i’ll let you know when i have more updates.