Journal

i just wanted to get back into the swing of writing again and then our webserver's firewall thought it was fun to shut us out. not that we'd been using it a lot so it was low on Olli's list of priorities to fix... so all in all it took many weeks but now it's back up. :)

i've been thinking a lot about what i want to do with this blog. i still really enjoy reading back through old blogs and seeing progress, but i just never take the time to sit down and actually write about it. so for now i'm going to keep it on the downlow and just chat about whatever's on my mind - mostly charting on how the big projects are going.

one thing is still the weightloss thing. I'm down to a high 90 and have been at this weight for an agonising five weeks (even gained back a kilo for a horrible week or so) which is demoralising and awfully long when you're in the middle of a process. it's also stupid, because if i look at the previous entry it still means i'm down 2.5kg in a little over two months, which still puts me nicely on schedule. i just need to keep faith; i know it's a plateau, soon enough i'll pass through it again. i just need to lay off the easter chocolate eggs, because those things are the fucking worst. i had this stupid goal of being under 90kg when i needed to wear a gala dress at the Harland Awards, but tbh it doesn't fucking matter. weight is just a number, and i already look amazing so eh - no skin off my nose.

the other is that i'm again plugging away at my manuscript. my beta readers haven't been as prolific as the people i've asked to alpha read, but i feel like a dick for asking anyway - by now we're at book 3 and i can imagine if the shine goes off the lannie being a writer thing. i've been doing this shit for three years now; people have read the shit out of my books so far and they're still sweet and genuinely supportive, but having to put in a shit ton of work under a DEADLINE (because that's where we are at right now, that's a lot to ask and i understand if people can't put in the hours/time/energy.

it's just shit for me, i suppose, but by now i should be able to do it with less support. there's still the closest circle around me that have helped me really well, and goddammit, i'm supposed to have leveled up at this shit. i shouldn't be dependent on it anymore. so i'm not going to push; that would be a dick move. i can do this :)

so far i'm still on schedule. i want to send it in mid april, which should be doable if i grind down and kick ass. i'm at 30% right now with still five weeks to go, but my weekends are hella busy with bookevent stuff in the upcoming weeks, so it's going to take some serious effort. i'm confident i can make it though. if i can poop out 122k in three months, then i can edit that shit in a month; right? especially since we're at version 2.3 now. wordcount's gone down to 117k, too.   i've asked publisher C for a longer wait between book 3 and 4 though. originally book 4 (the prequel) was planned for june 2017 but i've asked her to push it back to april 2018. i don't think i can keep up this pace. this book is kicking my butt and i'll have finished the trilogy once this is done, so i deserve another half year of chillage. maybe do some editing for others by the side - i'm told i'm getting pretty awesome at that stuff. C kinda offered me a job on trial basis and i'm definitely interested, so...

how's everything else? work-wise the training department i used to work at is dissolved; i'm now integrated in the services department and i have a lovely bunch of roommate colleagues. i am also constantly being sent out on consultancy work lately, at least a client visit a week, but two has happened as well - which is interesting because i only work four days. i genuinely enjoy the work though, and it's nice to share it with the boys. A and B - my co-trainers - are great guys, and while my manager AK needs some careful handling (she is however super correct and works really hard to support us all), our planner A and i are huge bros. i kinda miss my ex-manager L sometimes, but she's doing another job in the company now. so yeah, lots of changes there... but that's about time. this July it's 6 years since i got the job.

Hmmm, what else? Ol's finally not working for my old employer anymore, but does a project contract at K in zoetermeer. it's very stressy and sleep-wise it's completely kicking his ass at the moment, but he has a good manager and sympathetic colleagues for the first time in forever, so that's good. his salary/rate is also significantly better than the last job, so that's another plus :)
and of course i love him so much still. in a couple of weeks it will be 20 years since our first kiss. time flies when you're having fun :)  
Health, Reflection, Writing

There were three major things going on in 2015:

1) The publishing of "Bloed", which had a severe hiccup because publisher J so tragically died last spring
2) The writing of "Talent", which had a severe hiccup because publisher J so tragically died last spring and i hit a huge wall in the writes department because of that and because i didn't have a good idea of how to actually get from A to B in my plot.
3) Weightloss. Following a red carpet picture in February and the fact that Brenda and Olli were already doing so well with losing weight, i decided to follow suit.


I was supposed to update on all of them but somewhere in the summer I just... declined to update anymore. I don't know why either. Probably because most of my need to communicate about writing already happens on my author's blog and the rest of it happens in chat, or on FB, or just... not at all anymore. I don't really blog anymore. We've seen the declining trend for the past few years and it's really not getting any better.

But let me update you on these three things at least:
1) "Bloed" got delivered to my work at the 24th of July. I could sell it to people on the 31st of July, at Castlefest. It was pretty goddamn amazing, even though I couldn't be there for the whole weekend because Derek's wedding was on Saturday and Sunday I got hit by a perfect shitstorm of sunstroke and a wasp sting (for which I am allergic. not enough to go into shock, but enough to feel like absolute SHITE about. i had been clever enough to take some antihistamine pills beforehand but it was not enough). For the rest though... it was such a sunladen beautiful triumph and I already fucking love Castlefest, so all was wonderful in that regard. The responses to "Bloed" are also amazing - I'm at 4.65 stars at Goodreads and that's not from just friends. It's everything I hoped for 😀

2) I finished writing "Talent" on 23 November. 122,000 words and three months of my life went into that project, dude. It was pretty insane. It still needs work, of course. My alpha proof readers are currently reading through the thing and sending me suggestions, so next month I can get cracking. The idea is that I use January and February to tweak on the manuscript and then I'll ask a second batch of proofreaders (the beta proofreaders) to take a look at it. And with those comments, hopefully the damn thing is done by March/April and ready for works with Cocky. It's a tight deadline but I'm pretty confident we'll make it. As it turns out, "Talent" needs work but it's far from a turd like "Bloed" was in the first version, when it was still called "Shards". So good times are had by all. :')

3) I'll let the numbers speak for themselves and just be really, really smug about this. It's 12kg of weightloss in a steady as she goes pace. 1.5kg per month, and I don't really have to do much for it, just not shove everything in my mouth that I can find. I'm also walking more with Bodhi, at least an hour per day. That's also helping. Trying to at least hit the 6000 steps a day on my google fit app. It was quite the revelation that walking really burns those calories as well, and that opens the door for being a little more lenient with regards to eating. Bodhi also doesn't mind a longer walk and it's great for plotting, so yay!
It's been hard to give myself some credit in this regard, because both Brenda and Olli lost a lot more weight than I did. Olli because he's a boy and he's also fitnessing and maybe just better at this than I am, and Brenda because she's been a lot more strict. So no, I haven't lost 20kg like they did. It's been 'only' 12kg. And that's stupid, right? I SHOULD congratulate the shit out of myself on this one, because 12kg is amazing. It's just because it's been so gradual, that people don't really notice? My mother's been the only one to really notice and comment on it (as she does, weight is a huge deal for her), but of course I hadn't seen her since June. But yeah, 12kg. This morning I hit the 93.2 and I am really proud of this.

gewicht2015

Next year I'm going to shoot for 85. It's still a ways off, but it doesn't seem as impossible anymore as it was. And wow, I never thought I'd get to that point. When I started, 85 was 20kg away. Now it's only 8. I can do this. There are more impossible things to aim for :)
Pix

we have loch rannoch here at 50m from the cottage where we're staying, and today i was on a walk and i had my headphones on with my sweetness & light playlist... and just walking and drinking in that gorgeous sight, and sitting on the edge of the lake and looking at that view while caspian and sleepmakeswaves were filling my ears and beauty was filling my eyes... yeah, that's what happiness feels like :) some people are mountain people. some people are sea lovers. some people love the forest. me, i'm a lake person. there's no view i love as dearly as a beautiful lake. <3
Love, Music, Wedding

ten years ago today, i was sitting on a terrace behind the Eetkaemer café in a bronze-coloured dress, with flowers in my hair and i had a new golden ring around my right ring finger. Olli had a matching one, white gold against my yellow gold. it feels like yesterday as well as forever ago. i still love him as much as i did back then. that bullshit about loving someone more every day is not true, i think... or maybe i just hit max level fifteen years ago. he's a part of my soul, and even if it is not always easy, i can't live without him. he's the best thing that ever happened to me and i'm fucking grateful that he puts up with my shit. <3 onwards to the next ten years! (enjoy this piano cover of 'the only moment we were alone' by explosions in the sky. if you'd ask me if Olli and I have 'a song together', then no, not really - but this song is the closest. for some reason it reminds me of our wedding day, because i listened to the song a lot during that summer. it was enough to break me the fuck down when i saw it played live in the paradiso a couple of years ago. and this piano cover is beautiful. i don't think i shared it here yet, so here you go. it's gorgeous and fragile and beautiful.)