don’t think you ever will see, don’t think you ever will know, how much i actually cared

don’t think you ever will see, don’t think you ever will know, how much i actually cared

so yesterday i was super emo about the whole thing, and i cried a little, because i was so sad. i still am, by the way. that walking around with my soul under my arm thing? still doing that. but yesterday night i suddenly found out why i was actually moved to tears, a week after the fact…. i have my period. so yeah, that happened.

i mean, it’s still not a real period; just some spotting, and it occurs only about twice a year or so, but yeah, that kind of explains why i’ve felt so anguished yesterday and today. my emotions are all over the place. it’s really fascinating to see how much you’re affected by your stupid hormones, and what havoc they wreak on your brain. i thought i was just really, really sad… and i am, but it’s enhanced, you know? it’s the weirdest thing. anyway.

so to make me feel better, i wrote a bit. it’s hard to shift back from fifth-version-editing to first-version-writing… i forgot how SHIT my first versions of stories usually are. heh. of course i know that it doesn’t have to be good… all the first version needs to be is WRITTEN. and it’s fun to explore some themes and to see how everybody responds (there have already been some small surprises and great lines in there) to the shit i’m throwing at them this third time around. and oh, how traumatised they are… i feel like a dick.

anyway:

wordcount: 14.2K
CW: 100.9kg – i am blaming the period weight on this one.

onwards and onwards it is.

there is nothing left for me, there is nothing left for you

there is nothing left for me, there is nothing left for you

in another, better world, i would have received my book in my hands today.

my second book, the sequel, the beautiful one with the better prose and the intense character arcs and the explosions and the heartbreak. the one i worked SO HARD on.

i would have held it in my hands and i would have sold it this weekend.

instead, we’re in this world and i have nothing.

nearly forgot to give this a title

nearly forgot to give this a title

well, the award ceremony of fantastels storycontest was a bit of an emotional whiplash. first there was the beautiful speech from anaïd (the organiser) about jos (my publisher, also hers, and also a dear friend of hers) where she was having a hard time and i was an ugly sobbing mess by the end of it. i really can’t keep it dry when people i care about are hurting. my empathy just goes into overdrive and combined with the fact that i’ve felt how sad i’ve felt about his death already… ugh. my eyes were burning all day afterwards.

but then the award ceremony started. poor tijs didn’t make it to the second round; he came in 27th with a story that deserved so much better (but thankfully he got some really nice jury feedback on his stories), but brenda and i made it to there and further.

it was bren’s first time; my fourth. i’ve had a top ten story the three times before, i won the damn thing last year, so i was really worried that this time, when i wrote a complete style experiment just to see if i could – i wouldn’t make it to the last round. i shouldn’t have worried.

i came in tenth place. so there’s another top ten notation for me and i’m super stoked about that, because it means that my technical writing has become so much better that i can do things outside of my comfort zone and still own the shit out of almost everybody else.

and then brenda was still coming up… and coming up… we hit the top 5. top 3… and then there was just this sheer unbelief — and she fucking made it, yo! she won fantastels storycontest 2014. and of course she did, because her story wasn’t just technically well done, it had believable characters and a nice plot, and a wonderful setting. so now she has a trophy too and i got to say ‘i told you so’ in the most wonderful of ways 😀

next year i won’t participate in the contest because i’ve been asked to be a jury member. i’m looking forward to that too :)

ack, gotta go. then just real quickly: i didn’t write this weekend (obvs, with the whole fantastels thing), but i DID lose weight – i touched the 100.3kg yesterday morning. and i though it would just be dehydration because of the beer, but no, beause i’m at 100.5 on monday morning, so yay 😀

i’m not sure how i got there, all roads lead me here

i’m not sure how i got there, all roads lead me here

chapter 2 is done. i thought i was unable to write in the light of what has happened, but as it turns out, when i feel like shit, i’m actually a more prolific writer. this should not be news by now – i remember early 2013 when i was having a shit time, and i wrote like a maniac. i’m not a maniac, but i AM prolific as hell. I’m up to nanowrimo speed at the moment, how about that?

anyway.

wordcount: 12.8K, chapter 2 done. it was a goddamn hard scene to write, to see my characters at odds like that. so raw, and aching, and bleeding, and cutting each other. it was an argument two books in the making, i guess – one they should have had a long time ago, but they were always too fucked up or caught in the moment to have it.
they are similarly traumatised and they blame one another, and seamon is just so goddamn entitled that my heart is bleeding, because it’s all so understandable.
i figure that i’ll have to edit the snot out of this later, but i think there’s some raw gems in this bit, between the stream of consciousness heartache. pffff.

SW: 105
CW: 101.6 (bleh, fell back a little bit)
GW: a very long way away.

tomorrow i will hear about how i’ve done at fantastels storycontest. i’m nervous as fuck. i won last year, prevailing over 145 others. it was such a golden crown back then, and this time i only hope that i didn’t bomb out, because i NEED another good ranking – it’ll help with maybe finding new publishers – and i’m going to be a jury member next year, so doing a shite job this year will look really bad.
i also hope so thoroughly that tijs and brenda did well, too.
it’s going to be an interesting day tomorrow.